Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.

   BREAKING NEWS: Aaron Hernandez out indefinitely with neck injury.

   Aaron Hernandez's suicide just means 1 more Patriot wont be visiting the White House Today...

   Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.

   Much like the Atlanta Falcons, Aaron Hernandez choked in the end.

   How can Bill O'Reilly be fired. The President assured as he is a good guy and didn't do anything wrong.

   Breaking news .. a White House to hire Bill O'Reilly and appoint him as chair of women's rights committee.

   Bad news, A friend of mine fell into a reupholstering machine. Good news, Hes now recovered.

   Wow, that was embarrassing. I tried to non-chalantly touch one of Ivanka's breasts and ended up holding hands with the President.

   After further review, Arron Hernadez's feet did not touch the ground. The ruling in the cell stands.

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   I just put my phone on airplane mode and it dragged me out of my seat

   They say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think the bulb might be blown

   Some people say marijuana makes you dumb, but I smoke all the time and my IQ is 420.

   raisins....nonalcoholic box of wine

   Bill O'Reilly turned the No Spin Zone into the Hoe Sin Zone.

   No officer I'm not a drug mule. I just like sticking things up my butt.

   I'm waiting in vain for you... Oops typo I'm waiting in van for you...

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.