Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "What will we get for bombing Syria besides more debt and a possible long term conflict? Obama needs Congressional approval." - Donald Trump on 29th August 2013

   I sure am glad Hillary didn't get elected because we'd still have Obamacare and be at war with Syria.

   There are no Walmarts in Syria....only Targets.

   I went to the toilet without my phone. There's 118 floor tiles and the longest word on a shampoo bottle is "methylchloroisothiazolinone".

   There's a reason Jesus didn't turn water into whiskey

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   I go around at night knocking the little lead pieces off of people's tires at night. I own the tire shop up the street.

   Last week's media: OMG! President Trump and our enemy Putin are obviously best friends. This is unacceptable !!! This week's media: OMG! President Trump upset our friend Putin. This is an unacceptable !!!

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Never really got into the show The Walking Dead because I thought it was about the Obama administration.

   We live in a generation of weak people. Everything has to be watered down because it's offensive, including the truth.

   Chances are ladies, that if you're holding an acoustic guitar in your profile pic, I'm not accepting your friend request.

   Separation anxiety is common among toddlers, dogs, and would-be divorcees finding out how much divorcing costs.

   I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   On the lighter side, United Airlines won't have to worry about being overbooked for a while.

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   If I don't lose some weight, I'm gonna get one of those lap band things. Not the surgery. I mean I'll be able to fit The Stones on my lap.

   If you think that the Kendall Jenner commercial is the worst thing Pepsi ever created, let me remind you that Pepsi also makes Mountain Dew.