Funny Status Messages

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   The Trump administration has removed endangered species protections for parrots. Polly hates a cracker.

   While their senses don’t work the same as human senses, plants can see, hear, react and think. Which is more then we can say for Congress.

   Surely hope insurance companies start classifying "delusional people who think the President is doing a good job" as a pre-existing condition.

   Steve Bannon removed from National Security Council due to a scheduling conflict involving drinking.

   Barry Manilow has finally come out of the closet. Your move, Tom Cruise.

   Donald Trump's still calling the Iran deal the worst deal he's ever witnessed. Was he not there when he signed for his casinos & airline?

   I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

   I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!

   Remember folks tax day is coming up... make sure you check nearby dumpsters and trash cans for those receipts.

   Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   In order to keep his family involved, Trump has appointed Melania head of the Department of mining, given her background as a gold digger.

   I think what America really wants from the Trump clan is a pillow fight between Tiffany and Ivanka, or maybe a round of jello wrestling.

   The Chinese President accidentally called Steve Bannon "Mr. President" because all these white guys look the same.

   Trump spent ten minutes complaining about Pearl Harbour until an aide pulled him aside to explain that China and Japan were two different countries.

   All these great deals we were promised must be happening on days that I am not watching the news.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   The sign said "Buy One, Get One Free!" but I only needed one. So I took just the free one. My hearing is next week.

   i like interacting with people except on days that end with a Y