Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dems trying to censor any free speech site. And if they can't censor it, they flood it with pro-left nonsense. Sound familiar?

   Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other, the NSA will finally read it.

   If anxiety was good for weight loss, I'd be back to my birth weight.

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   My memory foam has amnesia

   I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don't left out.

   A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn't pee on his fingers.

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   When you think about it, isn't egg salad really chicken salad?

   Bruce Springstein @ $500 a ticket says "Americas already great"

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   Obama ethics lawyer slams Ivanka hiring as unethical. You should never hire someone you want to bang.

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   I can't help wondering if the Oval Office has a special closet for Mike Pence.

   Republican Marriages: To avoid temptation, Mike Pence won't dine alone with women. To avoid temptation, Melania Trump lives in New York.

   The reason Trump won't release his tax returns is religious. He doesn't want us to mock his profit.

   If you think Mike Pence referring to his wife as mother is disturbing, just wait until you hear what Trump calls Ivanka behind closed doors.

   I knew Trump would declare war pretty soon into his Presidency but I didn't think we'd be so lucky he'd declare war on the "Freedom" Caucus.

   The bright side of Trump eradicating the ozone layer is even with melanoma and retinal cancer, we can all enjoy the pretty polluted sunsets.