Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trump surely kept your whiney ass from being run down today. Youre welcome.

   When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   If you don't know where you stand with people then walk away.

   distance can be so cruel when you love somebody

   No one will really notice your awkwardness if you turn it into a dance routine.

   Paul Manafort just offered to help Vladimir Putin move apartments.

   Fun Fact: Paul Manafort is a direct descendant of Benedict Arnold.

   Donald Trump seems like the kind of guy who had a Y2K bunker.

   I've been putting Root Beer in a square glass all evening. I'm still not drunk.

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay? I just bid on a Mickey Mouse Outfit and now I'm 10 minutes away from owning the Dallas Cowboys.

   Exercise makes you look better naked. Alcohol does the same, you pick..

   Q: What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? A: Icy dead people.

   Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.

   A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss

   Looks like the Healthcare bill vote may be delayed so Nancy Pelosi can read it this time

   If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

   Folks who say, "I can't take all this drama", are the same ones who make Hollywood rich paying $15 to see it on a movie screen.

   BREAKING: Vladimir Putin gives Devin Nunes an 'attaboy.'

   Poll: 19% believe Trump told truth re Obama wiretapping him. That, ladies & gents, is the core. 1 of 5 will believe anything Trump says.