Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt.

   President Trump's wild accusations shocked Melania because she knew first hand that nothing was getting "tapped" in Trump Tower.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Jeff Sessions said marijuana is only slightly less awful than heroin, which is like saying chocolate is only a bit better than the holocaust.

   I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.

   Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.

   Reagan had ketchup in school lunches declared a vegetable, so maybe Congress can have Trump declared a vegetable.

   Secret Service laptop with highly sensitive information on it has been stolen, Kellyanne Conway blames her microwave.

   Future Jobs For Kellyanne Conway: Curator of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial Museum.

   BREAKING: Trump cancels annual Easter Egg Roll, claims he "doesn't care for Chinese food".

   If those terrible doctors hadn't given Trump those five deferments, we would have won Vietnam, bigly.

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   So, the argument is that Trump said "wire tap" because he couldn't spell "surveillance"?

   Steve Bannon spent St. Patrick's Day the way he spends every other day, drinking us all into oblivion.

   Instead of condom, I like to call it a child-proof cap.

   To be fair, Trump thinks Meals on Wheels is a taco truck and he hates Mexicans.

   The only snowflake that I'm proud about are the ones I turn yellow.

   How do you change the channel on your microwave? There’s a bunch of smoke poring out of this one. Guess it’s stuck on CNN.

   My therapist doesn't believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

   Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.