Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.

   Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".

   I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.

   Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.

   Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.

   What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.

   I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.

   How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.

   It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.

   I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.

   Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.

   Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

   "a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"

   Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

   I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

   My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

   even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.

   the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.

   I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.