Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5443 of 6446

If Cookie Monster loved cookies so much, he sure did waste a lot while eating them.
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03-12-2017 11:52
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Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on Sunday at 3 am, instead of 2 am. That way it's easier to remember to set clocks ahead "four-ward".
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03-12-2017 14:30
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I'm the person Republicans are taking about. I own a hundred iPhones and my body is dying. I refuse to buy healthcare. Please get me another phone.
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03-12-2017 16:09
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Barack Obama's Master Plan: 1) Wiretap the opposition. 2) Gather damaging info. 3) Say nothing. 4) Let him win. 5) Ride off into the sunset.
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03-12-2017 16:16
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Take Nixon into the deepest days of his Watergate paranoia, subtract 50 IQ points, add Twitter, and you have Trump today.
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03-12-2017 16:17
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What a beautiful day to punch people in the face.
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03-13-2017 01:39
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I like to close my eyes when I kiss a woman. That way I get less pepper spray in them.
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03-13-2017 07:08
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How to annoy your friend: No matter what they say, you say ~ “That’s not what you said last night” (followed by a saucy wink) Keep it going until they crack.
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03-13-2017 08:08
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It's weird. When my pet elephant comes into the room nobody talks about it.
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03-13-2017 08:27
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I gave that pitch vibrato. Pitches love vibrato.
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03-13-2017 08:52
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Daylight Saving(s) Time.Sheesh. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it eight months.
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03-13-2017 09:04 by Mick
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
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03-13-2017 09:06
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"a day without immigrants" "a day without women" "a day without blacks" If you realy want to impress us try "A day without foodstamps"
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03-13-2017 14:12
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Love Sunday bourbon but sometimes "message failed to send," is your four leaf clover

I ate all my meals today without using a single utensil

My gums are throbbing, someone somewhere just spilled their whiskey!

even my six year old knows you would have to be an immature loser to tweet a complete falsehood about a foe and wait ten days to admit you didn't actually mean what you wrote.
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03-13-2017 17:34
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the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.
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03-13-2017 17:39
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I was microwaving my lunch at work today ant three Trump supporters accused me of spying on the President.
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03-13-2017 17:43
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How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.
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03-13-2017 19:13 by Anonym0us
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