Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   30 years ago today, "Licensed to Ill" was the #1 Album...

   The guy standing in front of me should probably step out of line and go grab himself some sort of antidiarrheal medication. All he had to do was sneeze for me to be pretty sure that he has the stomach flu...

   Women went on strike today, things still got done without them.....

   "A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.

   Dear Misandry. At the height of women workers in WWII it was only 2.2 million out of 103 million jobs. That is 2%. We talking german or asian is a feminist lie. Learn your history.

   My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.

   As a kid, I often thought how cool oit would be to read other poeple's minds. Then came social media...I'm totally over that.

   Thursday. The most useless day. It exists as a reminder that it's been a very long week and it's still not over.

   Generation Butt Hurt...where everyone is offended by everything.

   A hungry traveler stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchen. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   Thank God International Women's Day is only once per year. I don't think I can do a second day, in the year, without someone bringing me a sandwich.

   You all have heard of Murphy's Law right?.....It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong....But have you heard of Cole's Law?...It's shredded cabbage.

   when I go to the store looking for paper towel, I feel like a BOUNTY hunter

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Every time I read an inspirational tweet, I'm genuinely saddened when I get to the end and there's no punchline.

   Thanks to Twitter, everybody with a computer and something to complain about thinks they're a modern day Che Guevara.

   Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.