Funny Status Messages

   A small *ATM room* which is equipped with *2 ACs* and *4 tubelights, working 24 hours, is asking me not to print receipt to save environment

   This year I'm not giving up anything for Lent. I'm just giving up.

   I'm going to paint one side of my car red and the other side blue. That way, if I'm in a accident all the witness will contradict each other.

   I was going to leave my body to science but science is already contesting the will and I'm not even dead yet. FML.

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   I can't believe it's not February 29! What happened to February 29!?

   Meanwhile on Facebook someone has made a casserole

   If you ever catch your girl smiling at her phone, it's most likely something I said.

   Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I have as much interest in golf as I have in golf.

   Feminists are giving Kellyanne a hard time about not sitting "ladylike" on the couch. These are the same women who dressed up like va-jayjays and went on a march.

   Just bought a crap load of staples from Staples. Headed to Dick's now.....

   .... One of the BIG problems with getting married too early in life is that .... When you get older .... The sexual position formerly known as 69 ..... Eventually becomes 96.

   If your boyfriend wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

   Ever notice that the first 10 seconds of a medical drug commercial is spent telling you what the drug is for and the rest basically daring you to take it?

   If Hunter Biden's name was Hunter Trump, the media would be killing him right now...

   Some days, I feel like I'm surrounded by idiots. Other days, I realize it's not just some days.

   Would you want to trust your fate to 12 people who were too dumb to get out of Jury Duty?

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."