Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5432 of 6446

In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law
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02-18-2017 22:28 by Snotty
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God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?
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02-19-2017 02:46
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NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.
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02-19-2017 02:57
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BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is closing this February 29th-31st in observance of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial service. Please take note.
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02-19-2017 03:05
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I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.
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02-19-2017 03:07
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Someone you know will die doing what they loved: Bathing with their toaster.
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02-19-2017 03:08
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Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.
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02-19-2017 03:09
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Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.
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02-19-2017 03:10
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Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.
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02-19-2017 03:11
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Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.
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02-19-2017 09:23
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I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."
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02-19-2017 09:25
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I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.
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02-19-2017 09:25
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I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
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02-19-2017 09:26
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Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.
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02-19-2017 09:26
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sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.
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02-19-2017 11:16
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Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”
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02-20-2017 09:51
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NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.
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02-20-2017 09:56
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Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*
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02-20-2017 09:59
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If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.
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02-20-2017 13:01 by John Y
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