Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In light of recent news regarding 'A day without a woman' men everywhere a grateful just to have peace & quiet from a nagging mother-in-law

   God wants to know, should he start the Zombie Apocalypse now?

   NEW COMMANDMENT: Thou salt stop believing everything ye read on the internet and fact check before sharing and getting all self righteous.

   BREAKING NEWS: Facebook is closing this February 29th-31st in observance of the Bowling Green Massacre Memorial service. Please take note.

   I get lost in your eyes. I also get lost in Walmart, so don't read too much into it.

   Someone you know will die doing what they loved: Bathing with their toaster.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone's yelling, everything's sticky, it's the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere.

   Long story short, those aren't my pantaloons.

   Dear Razor blade Commercials: Stop shaving beautiful smooth legs to impress me... If you want to sell me a razor blade shave a freaking gorilla.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   I don't eat a high fiber diet to be healthier, I eat so I'll have to spend more time in the s#*tter at work.

   I'm sure the mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.

   Gotten excited for nothing thinking she was touching herself under the covers but she was actually just opening a Kit Kat she didn't wanna share.

   sometimes I still wish I had Jessie's Girl.

   Hate it when people text me "k" because I'm rarely in the mood to ever talk about potassium.

   I’m pretty sure if my dog could talk his most common phrase would be “Are you going to eat that?”

   NO I'm not lazy, I'm just laying like this until planking makes a comeback.

   Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*

   If psychics and palm readers knew anything they'd have hand washing stations.