Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so glad I don't have to hunt for my own food. I don't even know where sandwiches live

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   The first rule of the OCD Club is to have a second rule so there is an even number of rules.

   I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok

   Conflicted about Dems boycotting inauguration. On one hand, Trump hasn't earned their respect. But on the other, they'll miss 3 Doors Down!

   Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

   I'm the proud grandfather of a new baby boy. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

   Many people are afraid of heights. Not me, though. I'm afraid of widths.

   Cops think they are so cool, driving around in their flashy cars

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   every guy has got that one pair of socks with a hole and that big toe sticking out.

   Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid.

   Let's make humility great again.

   The one good thing Joe Biden will experience on Inauguration Day is that he'll no longer be 2nd banana.

   Face your life, don't Facebook your life

   Some people don't have issues… They have a whole subscription

   Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before

   Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is totally acceptable.

   Whoever determined that a 1 inch size candy bar should be called "fun sized" need to reevaluate their entertainment expectations

   ...... No people ... the change in governmental administrations is not a sane reason to descend into a real life "Hunger Games" in this country .... Believe it or not it has actually happened before!!