Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.

   ♫ All in all, it’s just a… nother post on my wall. ♫

   Q: why are your eyes covered in ketchup? A: because Heinz sight is 20/20.

   I've never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn't swish it around.

   I seem pretty put together for a grown man who imagines he's traveling through a wormhole each time he pulls a turtleneck over his head.

   A total of 11 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.

   The first order of business for the 115th Congress: blaming everything on the 114th Congress.

   The biggest growth companies in D. C. right now are Moving Companies.

   Tip for next month: Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you'll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward

   “It’s the little things in life that make you laugh,” my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets at Walmart.

   During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.

   some babies are born premature but I was born very mature I just came out and I was like so what

   I love cloning as much as the next guy. Who is also me.

   Heres how to make me cry: take a picture of two old people and write 'best friends' on it.

   You know you're ugly when my dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg.

   Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt

   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.

   The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.

   I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it.

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.