Baddie Funny Status Messages

   I'm married, but not "pass up the opportunity to sleep with Scarlett Johansson" married. Or Jessica Alba Or Beyonce. Or Jennifer Aniston...

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   There's something about the way you could ruin my entire life that makes me want you. - WOMEN

   I assume people that unfollow/unfriend/delete/block me must have found Jesus.

   I don’t care what people think but women with tattoos are very sexy. Also women who have a heartbeat and women without d*cks are very sexy too.

   You had me at "I can't have children."

   The closest I've come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.

   You deserve an Oscar for your portrayal of someone pretending to be in a relationship!

   My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   Be a lady until you're in the bedroom.. Or kitchen, living room, on the floor or against the wall. You know what, just be a lady in public.

   Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...

   Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.

   What is it about your mother's basement that makes you so tough on the internet?

   Doing yoga has given me more respect for all the positions I've put women in.

   I only drink alcohol because there aren't enough ways to eat it.

   seriously bothered, one of my socks just keeps sinking into my shoe like it’s ashamed of being seen with me in public.

   Being alone with my thoughts always leads to masturbation.

   I only laugh halfway to the bank. That's when I remember I don't have an account. Then I cry all the way to the bar.

   Once she gets out of the 'spraying my face with mace' phase in our relationship she will get a better understanding of my love for her