Funny Status Messages

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Slow dancing with a fat person? That's like trying to move a refrigerator by yourself."

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   they are making new a fast and furious and a new transformers movie. any hope I had for 2017 being a good year has fast evaporated

   I should of went to the store before I gone to bed but I was to tired and I went to their to early and I was afraid I would loose to much sleep.

   Why go to all the holiday expense of visiting relatives in another state when you can stay at home and set yourself on fire for free?

   Of all the martial arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!

   Some people are the human equivalent of stomach cramps...

   Does anyone know WHY Waldo is hiding ?

   Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?

   Named my daughter after my mother in law. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   I ordered a genuine leather living room set from IKEA. They sent two cows, some logs and a book of instructions.

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my 'WTF' lines and those things are deep.

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   I'll be home for Christmas.....and in therapy by New Years.

   In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.