Funny Status Messages

   It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   Not sure who's gonna win this years presidential election, but two people who are going to be my cabinet will be, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam..

   My bucket list includes that before I die, I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes...

   Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.

   I just finished reading “50 shades of Grey” by Sherwin Williams. I don’t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.

   When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.

   You know you're getting old when every time you are near a bathroom you think, "I might as well pee while I'm here"

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus.

   My wife says I talk in my sleep, but nobody at work has ever mentioned it..

   When I was young, I grabbed them by their pony tail......

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   For all of you conspiracy theorists out there, We finally have Absolute Proof Osama Bin Laden is dead. Yesterday he registered to vote Democrat!!!

   I want to go see "The Girl On The Train" and my wife wants to see "Sully" So we compromised and are going to see "Sully"

   Im so broke I have black boy in Africa sponsoring me.

   Omg! I just hit a woman on my bike. Just kidding.. I don't ride in the kitchen!

   If you’re prepared to spend 1/3 of your day wiping goo that could’ve been secreted by a Xenomorph or a child, parenting is for you.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   Never leave the house without chili ingredients & tap shoes. I'm always ready for impromptu dance-offs or cook-offs.

   Always pass on the tea and crumpets; I'm more of an arsenic and absinthe kind of girl.

   No one told me how much of parenting would be spent standing in my kitchen holding a trombone while naked children run past.