Funny Status Messages

   Wow....iPhone 7 is making odd hissing sounds. Tech experts say sounds are caused by electromagnetic effects, while I think it's just Siri farting.

   If you said “all of my music is in the cloud” in the 1960s, it was due to mushrooms, not Apple.

   Hooters has a shuttle service that will take you to sporting events. It’s called Boober.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   You never see Corey Feldman and Skrillex at the same place at the same time.

   BREAKING: Jimmy Hoffa found buried with Corey Feldman's career. Location: Unknown.

   If you think the electoral college is the university where the election graduated from, you probably shouldn't vote.

   To me everyday is Talk Like A Pirate Day and that's why I'm in between jobs right now.

   My First Question In Hell: What do you mean there's no ketchup and no ice water?

   Coolio arrested at LAX after a loaded gun was found in a carry-on bag. But what else do you bring on holiday to a gangsta's paradise?

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I’m just a social drinker. Every time someone says, “I’ll have a drink”, I say, “Social I.”

   Maybe the guy who switched from Verizon to Sprint can afford some braces for his bear trap now!

   I don't think I can ever forgive the news media for reporting Angelina Jolie filing for divorce like its real news.

   Happiness is when you see your ex dating someone you can draw with your left hand

   Send me one more game request and I show up at your house hammered, at 4am, naked demanding a game of Twister...

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   I watched the1980's Karate Kid. I waxed the old man's car, sanded the floor, painted the fence and house. I'm still got my butt kicked because Hollywood lies.

   May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.

   ..... Personally, I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make a lot more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.