Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2016 is awesome!!! Just checked an app to see if a package was delivered to my door yet. I'm on the couch, the door is 5 feet away.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   Wine is for parents that don't have a drug dealer.

   Weed is for people who cant afford cocaine.

   Bengazi, deleting emails, donations from Saudi's, defending child rapists and laughing at their victims... feel free to make fun of Trumps hair (as that's all you've got).

   English is confusing because "booty call" and "butt dial" mean very different things.

   .... The Feminist movement maintains that "All Men are Pigs" and that "Women are Equal to Men"

   Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

   Before you get serious with a girl, spend some time around her and her mom. You need to observe the future crazy before moving too fast.

   Thank you to the Emmy Awards for reminding me why I don't watch television.

   Everytime this post gets liked a Jihadist gets killed.

   I like the way your medication thinks.

   After it was announced that 29 people were Injured in the NY Bombing, Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson was Thankful that ‘Nobody Got Hurt’

   Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.

   Hillary isn't the first woman to say I'm deplorable, and probably won't be the last

   Today concerns where raised when a glory hole was found in a public toilet. Immediately the Police were called and they are now looking into it.

   89% of all marriages is spent spooning your wife on the off chance she'll say "okay".

   Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.

   Whoever said you don't know what you have until it's gone was definitely talking about toilet paper.

   "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ONNNN?!?!" -Every horse being ridden during a civil war reenactment