Funny Status Messages

   Why is Collin Kaepernick so angry? You would be too if God had put pubic hair on top of your head.

   Ok I admit it, perhaps I shouldn't have yelled "WORLDSTARRR!!" when they dunked my niece's head during her baptism.

   Marriage is essentially peeing with the door open and asking "What do you want for dinner?"

   It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.

   Dr. Oz pledges to avoid questions Trump doesn't want to answer. It's no big deal; it's not like he's a real journalist. Or a real Doctor.

   Trump's appearance on Dr. Oz will solely be for publicity and has nothing to do with real medical information. Same as all the other episodes.

   Mexico announces it's found 6 new oil deposits in Gulf of Mexico. Trump now wants to add a huge door to his wall.

   If my extension cord ever gets tangled with my ear buds and Christmas lights, I’m really screwed.

   When deaf kids sign curse words, do their parents threaten to wash their hands off with soap?

   Hate when the same commercial plays twice in a row because for a split second I feel like I finally figured out how to go back in time.

   Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.

   When I told you to be more spontaneous, I meant combustion.

   Your dog, who rolls in carrion, rubs her muzzle in my hair. Oddly, I do not mind this, but am reconsidering my choice of conditioner.

   I trust myself less than I trust bed bugs to do the right thing.

   In hindsight life was better when we could only take 12, 24 or 36 pictures at a time and we paid to print them. Even if doubles WERE free.

   The Love Boat was my favorite 80's TV show about senior citizens infecting each other with STD's on the open seas.

   According to state law, the other people waiting at the DMV are required to have a bad smell.

   If you don't think of Tupac every time you down a Cranapple Snapple, then.... WTF ever, homie.

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   it just me or does different shoes come with different movement/walk ?