SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   I don't smoke, but I think a cigarette holder is pretty classy. Or as I call it, a Slim Jim holder.

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   I have a suspicious package.

   I wonder if Ronald McDonald sadistically cackles as he bludgeons innocent chickens and uses clown magic to turn them into nuggets.

   I bet girls on facebook with the duck faces look for men that make a lot of bread.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   I'm watching this dude walk down the street dressed as a woman, pushing a pitbull in a baby stroller. Either he's on drugs or I am.

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   The cashier is telling me to "have a nice day," but judging by her tone she wants me to "die in a tire fire."

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   Sometimes all it takes is a Bud Light at sunset to make me question my atheism.

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   I washed the car with my son today. Worst.sponge.EVER.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.