BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Fast replies make me feel like you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think you're talking to someone better.

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."

   DOCTORS WRITING: "﹏﹏ ﹏﹏ ﹏﹏." HOW I SEE IT: "∮₪₮￦￡." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."

   TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.

   What has 15 legs and 9 teeth? The checkout line at Walmart.

   When I see your face, there's not a thing I would change .... except the direction I'm walking in.

   I hate when I throw my phone onto my bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.

   I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

   Relationship Killers : Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions

   I don't hate you, I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality than any other mammal. Well, that explains Edward.

   I wonder if Asian people put smileys like this ¦)

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. "Right, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   Best childhood memory? Falling asleep on the couch, then waking up in your bed the next morning..

   I don't play "Hard To Get" , I play "Never Going To Happen"

   I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."

   I'm going to change my name to 'Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say "You are now friends with benefits."

   Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison.

   I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a s#it. Cabinet: Bi$ch, don't look at me. Freezer: LOL. You like ice?