Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Threatening Americans by saying there'll be "a taco truck on every corner" is like threatening The Kardashians' with more magazine covers.

   Call me crazy, but I'd rather see a taco truck on every corner than an anti-choice bigot on every Supreme Court seat.

   If we all pretend to not see or hear Donald Trump, I bet he'd just go away. After all, his narcissism is based on attention.

   Notes From The Teacher: Please have little Johnny practice the phrase, "Paper or plastic?"

   Those credit card companies are pretty tricky hiding the security code on the back of the card.

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Most people don't realize the phrase "I could eat a horse" came from Dolph Lundgren after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

   Most Mexicans affectionately refer to Donald Trump as "El Piñata."

   Always spike my coffee from a hidden flask that contains more coffee.

   I clicked on a link and it said "Attachment Unavailable". That's dating in a nutshell.

   Sometimes Jesus counts unlimited breadsticks, as one of His miracles.

   The only thing worse than Penn State honoring Joe Paterno before the Temple game would be if Temple honored Bill Cosby.

   If Trump wins, I'm going to open a florist shop near the Mexican border. And yes, I will call the shop "Wallflowers."

   Donald Trump says he didn't discuss Mexico paying for the wall with President Nieto because he thought he was the janitor.

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   I hope Tropical Storm Hermine gets upgraded. Only because I think 'Hurricaine Hermine' sounds like a 1950's pro wrestler.

   Did you know, I just folded a fitted sheet so beautifully an owl just delivered a Hogwarts acceptance letter to my house.

   I live in Los Angeles. We already have Taco Trucks on every corner, and it's wonderful!!!

   Facebook just changed their relationship status with SpaceX to "it's complicated."