Funny Status Messages

   I felt like the ending of this weeks episode of Trump was kind of boring. Right? I guess the writers are building to something big.

   You add me to your mailing list without my permission or knowledge and now I have to go through your 10 step process to unsubscribe myself if I don’t want to continue receiving your spam?

   Trump is a living embodiment to an erection that lasted more than 4 hours.

   I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

   I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

   In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills? Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills....

   Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   Melania's upset. Several news outlets called her a 'former escort'. because the word 'former' implies that she isn't one anymore.

   My dentist said I need a crown I was like I know, right?

   Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

   Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, Little boy blue and the man in the moon, When you coming home, Son?!?! When you stop talking crazy, Dad.

   You search and search for that nostalgic early 90's reference and then finally whoomp there it is.

   I missed the MTV music awards! Who won best music video that MTV will never play?

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   Again Mr Jovi, Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.