Funny Status Messages

   Charlie Bucket: It's about time, Wilder. Now do I get the factory?

   Jimmy Fallon is boring.

   The only thing more creepy than getting poked by your cousin on facebook, is when you and that cousin are both males.

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   The NFL is becoming about American as beating a pinata

   I'm experiencing heavy call volumes. Please hang up and never call me again.

   America should have its own moon.

   Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you've got alzheimers.

   Critiquing what local business owners do with their hands on 30 second spots since 1984.

   To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn't funny. I just want to live life again.

   Wow, watching the People in the Commercial Rock Climb, Scuba Dive & Live Life to the Fullest ............... makes me Wish I had Genital Herpes too.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.

   No, it isn't Maybelline. It's chocolate pudding.

   Should be working but instead thinking how I could smuggle a tennis ball cannon into the Westminster Dog Show.

   Perhaps it's best that Jack went crazy in The Shining because if he took that book to a publisher, boy that would've been embarrassing.

   A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.

   If you have sex with someone who likes to be choked, what's the polite amount of time to wait before initiating CPR?

   Are we scraping you off the floor or the ceiling today?

   There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.