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You can do anything you want when you grow up, son, as long as you don't go viral on the internet before daddy.
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08-27-2016 02:01
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My wife bought that Pepperidge Farm bread so I guess this is what it feels like to have disposable income.
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08-27-2016 02:02
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Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.
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08-27-2016 02:02
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Remember the time I blocked every channel except QVC and you were so mad and it was totally worth it because we got a deep fryer?
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08-27-2016 02:04
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Koalas eat 10x their body weight every day and everyone calls them adorable, but when I do it it's "disgusting" and "ruining our credit."
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08-27-2016 02:06
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Sorry kids, Mom's too nauseous to do anymore Disney rides today.
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08-27-2016 02:07
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I bet the cooks at Applebee's are pretty excited about the new James Harden shoe by Adidas.
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08-27-2016 02:09
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We don't know if Mary ever made Jesus turn her water into wine because there wasn't social media back then for Moms to talk about wine on.
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08-27-2016 02:10
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If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.
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08-27-2016 02:10
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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
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08-27-2016 02:11
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Really want to go on House Hunters and just repeatedly ask, "how many ferret cages you reckon would fit in here?" in every room.
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08-27-2016 02:12
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Every kid who had a framed Lamborghini poster in his bedroom now works at a vape shop.
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08-27-2016 02:14
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Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.
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08-27-2016 02:15
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Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.
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08-27-2016 02:17
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I bet the same guy who named the fireplace named leftovers.
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08-27-2016 08:28
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If your city doesn't have a jazz or classical radio station, chances are your neighbors own lots of guns.
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08-27-2016 09:56
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Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they're asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.
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08-27-2016 14:24
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Never done CrossFit but I have chased my shopping list through a windy parking lot before.
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08-27-2016 14:25
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A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.
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08-27-2016 14:26
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.
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08-27-2016 14:28
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