Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....

   Heres an idea band-aid people: Clear band-aids so you dont have to keep taking them off to show people your cuts.

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   My life is like a sitcom, but without the witty one-liners, quirky friends, hilarious situations or laugh track.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   [high school] Teacher: do you have your homework? Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   I'm just here until I can make day drinking a full time job

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   I wonder, when the citizens of Russia are filling out their Census form, do they put under Occupation “Chechnya”?

   It was a toss up tonight between turning on the nightly news or migrating to Singapore to get an Organ illegally harvested.

   Q: Is there intelligent life form on planet Earth? A: Only in a few areas.

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   Ryan Lochte will be teaching swimming lessons at the community pool starting next week.

   Ryan Lochte joins latest "Dancing with the Stars" cast, claims Tom Bergeron robbed him at gunpoint.