Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."

   Used to think drunk texting ex girlfriends was a bad thing than I started sober texting ex girlfriends.

   Would someone go to the kitchen and bring me some Doritos? I'm busy yelling at world class Olympic athletes to swim faster.

   After I pet someone's dog, I look the person in the eyes and gravely tell them "He knows what you did."

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   Some call it 'Hump Day.' I call it 'False Advertising.'

   Trump and I do agree on one thing. We'd both like to b@ng his daughter.

   Religion will never reform or save mankind because Religion is a form of slavery.

   Donald Trump probably doesn't even wanna be president cause then he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood

   .... I've decided some changes need to be made to the US Constitution .... Like ... Dusting it off and putting it to use like it was intended to be.

   .... Hey .... On a positive note .... We DID go 224 years without having a president this terrible!

   me: "I WISH I NEVER HAD TO SEE ANOTHER FACEBOOK POST ABOUT THE ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE!!"......... election: WATCH THIS

   .. Turns out it's true that Malia Obama was smoking a joint .... But so what? .... What's the big deal ... Her father does it too.

   Make America great again lets climb the trump tower.....

   .... I remember in May of 2008 when a lady named Hillary Clinton suggested the assassination of Barack Obama but her balls weren't electrocuted by the CIA .... So why should Trumps?

   I can't believe Carrot Tops career is so bad he has to climb Trump Tower with a bag full of props.....

   Todays Olympic sport - Ping Pong. Up next - Wii Bowling

   shhh, please, shhh

   According to Facebook, Jaden Smith has committed suicide 11 times in the last week.