Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The mosquito subletting my apartment seems to find me delicious.

   This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Rachel Maddow has a bigger Adam's Apple then I do. I'm just saying!

   Trump or Clinton is about as appealing as a Doctor saying "Ointment or suppository?" to me.

   ... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence.

   According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I'm OCD.

   It's OK Adobe Flash, I'm always outdated too.

   Man who punched George Zimmerman in the face charged with being awesome.

   Ladies you know what tonight is...Olympics and Chill?

   Brazil tie with South Africa 0-0 in soccer at Rio Olympics. Not to worry, though: EVERYONE goes home with a free Zika virus.

   People think I'm a good guy but I used to have a Jar Jar Binks poster.

   Gum without the commitment: Mentos.

   Saw a woman pushing her dressed up cat in a stroller. When are we going to take mental health seriously in this country?

   As an adult male, I should have taken women's multivitamins as a boy to mature faster.

   Gang Initiation: Eat tortilla chips when you have a cut on the roof of your mouth.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.

   A recent study shows that alcohol is a direct cause of 7 forms of cancer. And after hearing this bad news, I could really use a drink or two.

   Couples who smoke cigs together is like so Romeo & Juliet.

   Regardless of what you believe I think we can all agree that God is real and you're a Christian.

   MTV's show Pimp My Ride was just propaganda for everyone to get tweed seats.