Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats... Then go look at Facebook for about 5 minutes.

   Eminem is trending which is a relief because a whole generation of kids now know Eminem is still alive.

   Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?

   The wrist Kris Jenner broke in a car crash hopefully isn't the one she uses for gold digging.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   I must admit, my "Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus" T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

   Pretending to be nice is exhausting....

   Out of all my hobbies, killing brain cells is probably my favorite one.

   House arrest would be perfectly fine if you could choose the house.

   A little bit about me, I'm a Capricorn and I was named after a horse thief that had troubles maintaining an erection.

   Death by school supplies shopping.

   The homeless shelter is a great place to meet people with a degree in "Street Smart".

   A Perfect New Campaign Slogan: Make America Horny Again.

   Beginning to think that all of these people giving pro tips aren't actually experts in their respective fields.

   I hope someday to be described as that small, quiet man, who could be found regularly foraging for supplies in the liquor store/gas station.

   A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

   It's only a matter of time before the Pokemon Rehabs pop up everywhere.

   My bank account has been hacked....The hacker felt so sorry for me, he sent me a message and has started a gofundme page......

   2016 Olympics Events: Opening ceremonies-100m Brazilian Wax Free-Style-Zika Pole Vault-Let's Be Difficult And Speak Portuguese While Most other S American Countries Speak Spanish Decathlon-100m Butterfly and Mosquito Swim For Gold.

   I love the summer because I love how my ass and thighs form an irreparable bond with the car's scorching hot leather seat