Funny Status Messages

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   when more people get silent electric cars pokemon go becomes a different game!

   Obama just said Trump is unfit to be President. ..Well aint that the pot calling the kettle black...

   Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas..

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   Single men never get fat because they eat half of their cooking...... The other half is usually stick to the pan.

   A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

   why do people say" I know you like the back of my hand"? who really knows anything about the back of their hand?

   If you leave a dream catcher in the rain, does it become a wet dream catcher

   Sweaty in the streets and still sweaty in the sheets.

   You've officially reached middle age when purchasing new cleaning products gives you goosebumps.

   Just cause your sister or brother says you're a poopie head doesn't mean you're a poopie head.

   Autocorrect changing "restaurant" to "restraint" can really ruin the asking a girl on a date experience.

   Might not be a master of romance. But I do know ladies enjoy it when I sing Obsession by Animotion while I'm hiding in their closet.

   Porn is more American than apple pie! Mostly because apple pie is Dutch.

   If someone lets me out in front of them in traffic, as I merge in, I give them the finger just to see the look of pure confusion on their face.

   How To Tell If Your Kid Is Doing Drugs: 1. Are your drugs missing?!?!

   I don't appreciate how quickly you agree when I admit that I'm imperfect.

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.