Funny Status Messages

   Watched Ant-Man today. Now I'm hoping the roach I flushed down the toilet wasn't on some kind of secret mission.

   Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots.

   Did you know Sharknado 4 is the most scientifically accurate movie ever made.

   Whenever I eat pizza I look like a rabid dog that's snorted 4 lines of coke.

   Baskin Robbins spends $100 million a year to make you believe there are only 31 flavors.

   Irony is walking into a Hooters and realizing most of the male customers have a "more gifted chest" than the female waitresses.

   It's reassuring knowing my brother is looking down on me, but if he stopped wearing heels I'd be an inch taller than him.

   I show up to one Swingers Party doing a fantastic Vince Vaughn impersonation and nobody wants to invite me back.

   Dad Log Day 3 At Disneyland: Still in line to meet the the Princesses from Frozen. Looks like less than a day wait to go.

   Calling yourself patriotic makes you patriotic the same way calling yourself a neurosurgeon makes you a neurosurgeon....

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Mexico has the same problem the US has.........Too many mexicans.

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Russia's intelligence agency the FSB, successor to the KGB, has posted a notice on its website claiming that it now has the ability to collect crypto keys for Internet services that use encryption. Thanks Donald Trump!!

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...