Funny Status Messages

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   Instead of 'President' , I think Barack would have been way better in the role of 'The Wiz'

   Stop roasting adults and kids from the 1990's playing Pokemon Go when you are the one who uses Snapchat to turn yourself into a dog.

   Some are mad Bradley Cooper went to DNC after portraying Chris Kyle. I get it, I'm still furious Johnny Depp doesn't travel via pirate ship.

   It's really awkward when you receive a friend request on Facebook from someone you are already friends with. They say they are hacked, but you like the hacker more then you like them.

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

   Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

   50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.

   Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.

   Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

   What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.