Funny Status Messages

   If the moon is made of cheese why aren't stars made of crackers?

   I'll see you and your popcorn ceiling in Hell!!!

   Me At Job Interview: "And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?"

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   On a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

   Last date I had she got KFC grease on my car seats.

   I want a man cave, but for women. Still stocked in video games, booze, license plates, and awesome stuff on the wall but with a scented candle.

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   Only god, my parents, the court system, our government, my coworkers, that cute starbucks guy, and the rest of the world can judge me....

   Pleasant, 40ish, female seeks zany caper. Skills include the ability to identify ideas that are so crazy, they just might work.

   "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting

   I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap.

   The first and last time that I went to Comic Con was when the guy at the costume store sold me a Catwoman costume telling me it was CatMan.

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

   I saw a totally hot MILF spank her child today at McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground. So I threw my fries on the ground....!!!

   My hobbies include reciting the side effects of artificial sweeteners during meals and maintaining a robust dislike of everything around me.

   So Hillary's VP plays harmonica. That's all we need. More blowing in the Oval Office.

   Whoa whoa, calm down Swiffer commercials, you're just a wet paper towel on a stick .

   Busy day at work today, a man was rushed to the hospital with 6 toy horses up his Butt. Doctors describe his condition as stable.