Funny Status Messages

   Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my food journal to log it as a veggie burger.

   I can hear my girlfriend telling me not to touch her from work.

   In order to enjoy porn, I have to forget everything I know about disease pathology.

   My vegetable garden is not doing very well this summer according to this cease and desist letter I received from the city.

   Had to check my bank account before I could smoke another cigarette.

   Annoy the Star Wars fan in your life by constantly referring to the force as "nerd magic."

   Whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around the city committing crimes.

   I just can't get into Pokemon so why don't we make a Sweet Valley High Go game where I can collect dreamy dates.

   FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.

   Soimeone tossed me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit. I threw a trash can over it til it was dead....

   Thinking it's definitely a case of the tail wagging the dog here.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen

   Having fun driving the OCD girls on FB crazy who poke back in a nano second and will keep doing it till I stop.

   It's not the heat, it's the humidity...That's just dumb, and it shows your stupidity!

   It would be nice if Mexicans took some initiative and MadeMexicoGreatAgain

   Reagan's shooter, John Hinckley Jr., to be released, I assume it's just in case Trump gets elected.

   Bill O'Reilly has a good point. I mean, without slavery, some of those people could have ended working for a monster like Bill O'Reilly.

   Sesame Street fired 3 of its human actors. Don't say Donald Trump didn't warn us about good American jobs going to Muppets.

   Lindsay Lohan already registered her unborn baby in AA.