Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   its so humid, is that oil I smell in the air?

   Just read that Jimmy Dean has died at age 81. RIP Instead of cremation his family has chosen to have him ground into a delicious breakfast sausage... Very touching

   Everybody's tan will be so much darker this year.

   Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your bf or gf wants 2 leave u, they should give you 2wks notice. There should b severance pay, and b4 they leave u, they should have to find you a temp!!

   donated £5 to the African children in need appeal, what they spend it on? A fu@king annoying world cup trumpet!

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   Some people have food in their teeth because no one likes them enough to mention it. This serves as an early warning system for @ssholes.

   Looked over and saw a giant frickin' spider crawling on my shoulder, so if anyone needs me I'll be over here NEVER SLEEPING EVER AGAIN EVER.

   Why are they called "Starving Artists" instead of "Untalented Hippies"?

   Probably the most awkward thing for Chinese parents is not explaining where babies come from, but rather, where they go.

   Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.

   I'm on this insane diet. So far, I've lost my mind.

   I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."

   pondering why the kids can't give the silly rabbit just one bowl of trix, greedy little brats...

   Can Atheists get insurance for Acts of God?

   - Rachael Ray and The Kardashians on the same TV show? Hotter when the "mute" button on your remote control works.

   My wife just came in to tell me about something that happened at work today and I asked her to hold on for a second as I grabbed a can of listening juice...I might need two.

   packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list