SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   The guy next door is a sleeptalker. The girl in the other room is too quiet. We're all being monitored by people in white uniforms...

   Part of me thought I wouldn't be using a sock as an oven mitt at this point in my life. Another part is like "Big boy is using the stove!"

   Sometimes when a person suddenly has a problem with you, just think the issue isn't really you, it's their meds.

   "Hope you're well" has the same amount of syllables as "rot in hell" and is a much more honest way to sign that email to your ex.

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   there a Hallmark card for "I think it's time we try anal"? There should be.

   So say some animals *were* injured in the making of a film. Is that listed in the credits or what? "Bob hurt one bird. He's very sorry."

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   Women are like canoes. Actually they're really more like kayaks. Which one has the pointy things? OK; I don't understand canoes/women.

   We never had an on-and-off relationship before getting married. Ours was more of an in-and-out-and-in-out thing. People should try that!

   Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.

   I'm supposed to use beer to wash out the remnants of glue from my brain electrodes. Does it matter what kind of beer?

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I avoid eye contact with myself in the mirror. I know too much about me.

   'MAY' contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn't. DON'T WASTE MY TIME

   While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?