Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you travel to Mexico Donald Trump will require you to help pay for the wall.

   Trying to eat healthy, too lazy to make a smoothie, so just ate the ingredients one by one. Probably shouldn't have washed it down with whiskey.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   This November I'm voting for the candidate who will bring back the original Four Loko recipe that killed those college kids.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   July 4th: The celebration of liberating slave owning populations from their higher masters with dragons, oh wait that's Game of Thrones.

   The #1 asset in my portfolio right now is Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.

   I'm awesome cuz I can do 50 push-ups. Granted not at once and over 57 days.

   How's my day going? I just watched a fastest fish fillet competition video and had a rooting interest for one of the participants.

   Instagram is good for showing highlights from your day, but Snapchat brings to life all those boring, in-between moments no one cares about.

   You are less likely to kill your family during a long car trip if you are playing Travel BINGO.

   Step One: Always have a solid alibi.

   Just tried natural peanut butter. My week is off to a horrible start.

   Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.

   1776: No Taxation Without Representation!!! 2016: No Commenting Without Liking!!!

   Suddenly wishing that I hadn't purchased the alien abduction insurance plan with a high deductible for all my camping trips this summer.

   FUN FACT: Hillary Spent More Time Taking Questions from FBI Than She Did from Reporters This Year

   The Duty of a true Patriot is to protect his country from it's government.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?