Funny Status Messages

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   Hey England: Every Brexit You Take. I Will Always Love EU. Un Brexit my heart. With Or Without EU. Straight outta Currency. Britain on the Dock of Decay. Since UK Been Gone.

   .... Wonder what would happen if Hillary Clinton was forced to wear a shock collar that went off every time she lied?

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.

   So apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them..

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   America and Britain are having a competition on who can f*ck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."

   A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   Little shampoos. Sure they make you feel like a giant but you're not, you're not a giant. Also they make bad travel souvenirs too.

   Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   The way things are going, the only corporate sponsor of the Republican convention will be Trump Steaks.

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"

   S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   Congress' 2016 To-Do List: 1) Talk about Benghazi. 2) Write reports on Benghazi. 3) Talk more about Benghazi. 4) Take vacation. 5) Repeat.