Funny Status Messages

   Always wear sunglasses at the poker table so people can't see me crying.

   My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.

   Always wears an "I'm with stupid" shirt to marriage counseling.

   I blocked my cat on Twitter. He knows why.

   Just found out AT&T stands for Atlantic Telephone and Telegraph. I think my internet is connected to the telegraph side.

   Any relationship can be a long distance relationship if you run away.

   Not sure what it is but the older I get, the smarter my Dad gets....

   So far it's been a successful Fathers day. There hasn't been anyone knocking on my door with a "You don't know me, but" opening line yet

   A new report found that Social Security made $6 billion in overpayments in 2015. Which explains how my grandma can afford spinning rims for her Rascal Scooter.

   First rule of Dad Club is hey are you paying attention here, you need to know how to change a tire, hand me a wrench not that one the other one.

   Between Peyton Manning with a Super Bowl; Sid the Kid with a Stanley Cup, and Lebron tonight; a lot of haterz died a painful death this year. Kudos to three of the all time greats cementing their legacies!!!

   it too late to claim that I invented the wheel. . .

   It's Father's Day not FARTHERS DAY Ladies

   Guess who's not getting anything for father's day....Bruce Jenner

   .... If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen .... Is it then called an Edison?

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.

   My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker.

   Day 781 of P90X: I carry my car to work everyday.

   I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.