Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.

   Other kids grew up watching SpongeBob. I watched The West Wing.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Kanye West is disappointed to find "You're So Vain" wasn't about himself.

   It's offically summer when white girls start counting the days until pumpkin lattes return to Starbucks.

   T-Rexs can't scratch their stomachs, it's a major design flaw.

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   If people try to tell you money doesn't buy happiness - they're wrong. It does.

   The bad news is: An Alligator swallowed your child. The good news is: We're gonna comp you Free Family passes to Disneyworld

   I heard Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.

   If you "have to meet with the NRA to discuss whether people on the terrorist watch list should be able to buy guns", then that's a case of the tail wagging the dog and you are showing you are owned by the gun lobby.

   If the POS dont represent islam, then the POS doesnt represent gun owners either dumba$$

   If Hillary is elected president I am moving to Canada. . .

   A gorilla is killed in a zoo, Facebook blows up! A 2 year old gets killed by an alligator, I've seen one post in two days...Yup, that's the society we live in!

   It was probably an Islamic alligator.

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?

   Here's a bright idea ..... How about coming up with some Comprehensive Common Sense Terrorist Control instead of the same old talking points?

   ...... Yes sir, your background check came back just fine .... But I gotta see you eat some Bacon first or it's a no sale.

   Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don't know who to root for.

   A George Harrison memorial tree was killed by actual beetles. No word yet on if Davy Jones memorial was attacked by monkeys.