Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   'Battery life' is an interesting phrase...it signifies thas your smartphone's battery has a life, but you don't.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   Stop Facebooking about how your baby can sit up on his own. I can do that! I do it all the time!

   Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Nowadays the only way to get friends to hang out all night is if one of us needs an intervention.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.

   I have the same effect at nude beaches as sharks do at family beaches.

   Really worried about how much I'm going to get hit on at the pool this summer now that plus-size is considered sexy.

   If you're feeling down, I can feel you up.