Funny Status Messages

   When someone accuses me of having too many items in the "15 items or less" line, I tell them I'm dyslexic and then they feel bad.

   Throwing out a stale donut today. Please respect my privacy at this very difficult time.

   If you build it they will come is why I don't build anything.

   I love yoga class. Except my yoga class is on my couch with a donut and instead of stretching, I cramp up due to lack of activity.

   Do not -- I repeat, DO NOT -- use peppermint oil as a lubricant.

   Seeing happy couples in commericals makes me happy because I know they're just actors and are probably single and depressed like me.

   Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.

   There are cartons of milk in my fridge that lasted longer than Paul Ryan.

   Hillary told Donald Trump to delete his Twitter account. Funny, she wants him to treat it like her govt emails

   I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'

   .... Hey ... instead of complaining when the fat TSA agent makes you take your shoes off at the airport because of that failed shoe bombing attempt...... Be very grateful ....... because there was also a failed underwear bombing attempt.

   I got an idea for my new company I wana start a company that makes condoms and caskets the slogan would be We always got you covered weather ur cummin or goin

   ... If you think seven years back luck for breaking a mirror is bad .... Try breaking a condom.

   Turns out that the "Poop Deck" was improperly named. Apparently ..... that is what something called the "Head" is for! Guess I soulda done more research before I went on this cruise.

   If the first thing Trump says after he wins the election isn't " You're Fired!" I will be highly disappointed

   Ya'll best be voting for Hillary if you wanna keep gettin' dem food stamps to sell

   Hillary Clinton may become the first F president. Sorry, I meant female but the emale got deleted.

   Does this status make me look fat?

   Not to brag but I finished up my 30 day diet plan in just 4 days.

   FRIEND: What is that smell?.. ME: My new Axe spray. Earl Grey Tea, and Yorkshire Pudding.... Friend: *gag* why?... ME: Chicks dig English Axe scents.