Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm doing a marathon today! 14 hours of Law & Order SVU!!!

   At the hospital today, I parked in the C section of their parking lot..... so naturally I had to climb out of the sunroof.

   When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body get weak and hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm unfit.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

   Just stirred my coffee with a fork. So if any of you guys are looking for a new gangsta bad boy to join your crew, just let me know.

   Advice to men: If a woman ever says "Are you wearing that?" it should never be worn. It's best to throw it away now. Trust me on this one.

   If you sleep with your socks on, please unfollow. I do not support you or your wicked lifestyle.

   Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?

   Took my dog to sign up for welfare, the clerk said sorry shes not able to....I said why she's got no job, no money, 7 kids and dont know who their dad is.

   Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!

   Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast.

   Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!

   Biker gangs are silly to me. What do they do when they get to their destination? Do they all have lunch together? Do they have a destination?

   When I have a family-sized bag of chips I think to myself, 'these chips are the only family I need.' Then I proceed to eat the whole bag.

   I am not okay with the word 'lotion' since seeing Silence of the Lambs.

   I can barely commit to peeling an entire orange, how am I supposed to commit to my future?

   For some reason the electric wire on top of a 6.5 foot fence enclosing our condo actually makes me feel less safe.

   Jesus was an American, a Republican American.

   How does a man like Bill O'Reilly have such an intelligent vocabulary?

   Tired of rap songs starting with MC going "uhuh uhuh...One two one two...Let's do this..." No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.