Funny Status Messages

   I'm allergic to bears. One bear bite and it's straight to the ER for me.

   Someone at work just smiled at me. We don't do that here at Starbucks.

   BREAKING NEWS: Server 404 has been found!!!

   Dude on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavor." He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

   There should be a margarita truck that drives around playing mariachi music in the evenings and we can run out with our money like an ice crean truck, but you know with margaritas....

   Last night, I binge watched "The Joy Of Painting" with Bob Ross on the first night Netflix streamed the show.

   It takes about 3.4 seconds for me to go from "this is the best day ever" to "I want to stab every human being on planet Earth."

   Does anyone else get road rage walking behind slow people? Yeah, me neither.

   Gorilla Lives Matter

   You are what you eat - so stay away from the jerk chicken.

   Get over yourself lady, I was smiling at your cat.

   Every night we go to Bed,without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the Alarm to wake up..That's called HOPE.

   Hackers breaking in to old MySpace accounts seems about as pointless as breaking in to an old Blockbuster store.

   I fell into a gorilla enclosure once and nobody even noticed

   Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there

   I never imagined living in a world where being all thumbs meant you could out text all your friends.

   If you carry a gas can in your trunk, you should rethink your life plan...

   I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...

   Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either