Funny Status Messages

   Fact: The Cincinnati Zoo is not a petting zoo. Please don't get close and personal with the gorillas.

   Working out in my basement. So far, no one has hit on me.

   Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.

   Tweets on Twitter are actually just brain selfies.

   Relationship status: Taken (for granted)

   When 100 couples were asked "why did you decide to have kids" the most popular answer was "because we hate our money."

   I'm self-deprecating but in an amaaaaaazing way.

   My superpower is to scrutinize my husband's driving decisions until he questions his will to live.

   My enemies are gonna be so sorry if I ever get out of this bean bag chair.

   I would organize my thoughts but I'm afraid they would form a union and demand benefits, that's why I am voting for Trump.

   I parallel parked today without turning down the radio....

   Went to the Cincinnati Zoo the other day and have to say the baby sitting service was lousy. Well I guess if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

   I called a phone sex line for married people. It was just a long uncomfortable silence till the operator said "make it quick."

   Why is the speed limit in a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.

   Psychologists and Psychiatrists need their heads examined.

   .... The poor mother was only trying to give her son a chance at a better life ..... Then zookeepers shot his new adoptive parent.

   Hillary is outraged that Republicans have started shooting potential Democrat voters at zoos

   It's not stalking if you're documenting their life for a mixtape.

   My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni.

   When a man 'fine' he means the battle is over. When a woman says 'fine' she means she is fine with your impending death.