Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned something about Prince, that doves actually cry. Hmmmm.

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

   "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.

   What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

   Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

   How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   Sarcasm: noun/ The brain's natural defense against Dumb.

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.

   Im going to write bad checks at Target because I identify myself as a billionaire....Shame on my bank for restraining me from what I'm destined to be!

   Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric