Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a wooden spoon on my ass.

   My whole body is saying something but I don't know what it is.

   "I'm riding the struggle bus today." - A 3 year old trying to do a puzzle

   6 year old hosting a Lego funeral, "We must accept what comes to us. Gogo's death is one of the obstacles in life."

   Cheerios celebrates 75 years of greeting fans, young and old, at the breakfast table. I didn't know the Honey Nut bees live that long....

   President Vladimir Putin downplayed Russia's economic woes on a highly scripted annual call-in TV show. I wish more world leaders would do this....

   One wise Chinese fortune cookie says "When you squeeze an orange, orange juice comes out -- because that's what's inside."

   Mentos should print little messages on their mints like "you're awesome" or "looking good" and call them Complimentos.

   I know I am a little crazy, that's a part of my charm. If you don't like it, then get off my unicorn!!!

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   . Those who want to live meaningfully and well must help enrich the lives of others,

   Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says "Bill Nye is as much a scientist as I am." I didn't know this flakey woman was even a scientist until now.

   How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!!!

   My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company….

   IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

   "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon

   Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

   Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

   When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body....men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.