Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am standing out in the wind with my pants down and letting the wind blow me! Don't Judge me!

   It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your son's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.

   You know it's a bad day when a three legged camel points to your girlfriend's crotch and asks for his foot back !!!

   Mom used to let me lick the mixing beaters when she'd bake a cake.....seems like it would have been better bonding between us if she'd shut the mixer off first though....

   You were born as an original. Don't die as a copy

   It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives

   People laugh because I'm different, I laugh because they're al the same

   Thank you Flyers for a great season. The best I've ever seen. But hey Blackhawks I hope you enjoy drinking the beer from the cup. We peed in it.

   thinks Bill Nye should figure out how to plug up the oil

   they put on $100 and still are proud to swipe their foodstamp why cant they get a job?

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes. I'll judge you standing right here.

   Everyone is always asking something for a friend. Friends are the most curious, ignorant ba$tard$, aren't they?

   I appreciate the police escort, but shouldn't they be in front of me?

   I think that all I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

   Since the world is ending in 2012, I've decided to buy everything at places with a "Don't pay until 2013" plan.

   I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself?

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   I wonder if the CEO of Classmates.com cries every time he sees the word "Facebook."