Funny Status Messages

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   The smartest thing I never did, was get married. . .

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.

   Welcome. Hi Americans! Donald Trump may become President of your country! If that happens, and you decide to get the hell out of there, may I suggest you moving to Cape Breton Island, Canada!

   "Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus

   Hillary Clinton made barking noices during yesterday's rally. I bet she is trying to get the dog vote now.

   I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I'm basically a golden retriever.

   Can I get 10,000 "Likes" for God is awesome?

   I've got two tickets to Crazy Town. Who wants one?

   There are a million different ways to say "I Love You": "Put your seat belt on", "Watch your step", "Did you eat?", "Get some rest". You just have to listen.

   If there's a pedicure, why are there still pedophiles?

   I'm as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.

   Carl Grimes could be the new mascot for the Oakland Raiders

   When one of my friends leave I say "Stay Gold Ponyboy" and they just stare at me because they don't have no idea what I'm talking about.

   Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.

   Whoever said "Do the job right the first time and you'll never have to do it again"....never shoveled a Canadian driveway.

   National Drink Wine Day is February 18th....why is this not a stat holiday?

   How does Kanye West need a billion dollars for ideas? Ben Franklin discovered electricity with a kite.