Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   isn't sure what's worse...the massive amount of oil gushing into the ocean, or the massive amount of BS gushing from BP executives.

   I'm all out of tea and sympathy. How about some coffee and you f*cking deserved it?

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

   A trip to Wal-Mart is all the proof I need that ugly isn't an effective means of birth control

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your laptop with you.

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   Holocaust jokes aren't funny, Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it ...

   thinks that the inventor of the auto-response phone system should be put to death - but they have to choose their own death from a menu of options.

   I think that this morning, every side of the bed is wrong.

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   I'm feeling adventurous, so I'm going to go to sleep and try to dodge Freddy Krueger. Wish me luck!

   I'm a middle-of-the-road kind of guy. Maybe that's why I get honked at all the time.

   Ice. Bank. Mice. Elf. Say it out loud.

   Marriage is like a casino... You go in all excited and optimistic, you stumble out broke, drunk and talking to yourself.

   It's so adorable how MySpace keeps sending me reminders to come back.

   Ahh..Monday, so we meet again... You dirty b*tch

   The BP president said that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, "Don't worry, my car is fine."

   A girl without curves is like going on a road trip with no turns, you get where you're going quickly but the ride is boring as hell!!!

   Next Week is not good for me the Jonas Brothers are in town