Baddie Funny Status Messages

   You had me at tubes tied.

   The best part about being single is only having to say "I'm sorry" to the dog or cat.

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   People without profile pictures are terrorists.

   Don't love someone so much that you stop watching p 0rn!

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Are Tyler Perry movies some kind of punishment for slavery?

   Relationship status: everything sounds like "marry me" through duct tape

   All cursive neck tattoos should just say ‘child support.

   Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks"

   Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   Her phone display is brighter than her future.

   Tip of the day: Don't piss off anyone who has unlimited access to your toothbrush.

   I'm not a stalker; but you should wipe from front to back.

   I used to have an attitude problem. I broke up with her about a year ago.

   My favorite part of the bible is the part where that old guy is like "We're gonna need a bigger boat"

   I wonder what it’s like to sleep with a woman who has standards.